Intertextual Connections

1. I have never done a monologue before (not realizing how tough it was)
2. my dad doesn't have cancer (but even imagining the thought, scares me)
3. I do have a relationship with my father (that questions the actual status)
4. it requires a lot of emotional investment that takes a lot out of me.

When I was first handed the script, the title of the monologue - I am my father's son had already left a sharp impression on me. Uttering ''father's son'' was stretching to a point of difficulty. The idea behind it was too close for my comfort. But I took the challenge - as an actor with some experience, as a person who has gone through some life experience, and a curious thinker to explore and research this character to the best of my abilities.

It set the foundation and building blocks, yes.
But it failed in all other sense. Because I had planned every entry and exit till there was no room for exploration. Because any further than that, would lead to restoration. And I wasn't prepared for that, at least not yet. I thought I could ''act'' my act through it.

I am very thankful that I have Colin watching over me in this particular arena; as a mentor, a teacher and as a friend and brother in Christ - to work through this character with me, an extended amount of grace and patience on his part to walk me through the development. I can imagine it being a tough job because the gears just weren't shifting properly. It wasn't accelerating to a desired pace.

And we continued to talk about it, and I too, to some degree rather exhausted in driving the character because I was also stuck in my own realm of fear. I was afraid to be vulnerable because it is so real and close to my heart - the portrayal of this character itself. There were times when I felt I was letting myself in but the immediate self defense mechanism led to a big pullback that really shallows the character and by the time you pick it up again, all is loss.

There was a sense of stiffness in the portrayal because clearly I wasn't comfortable with my own skin when presenting a piece in relation to my relationship with my father. To top it off a monologue, requiring you to be on stage on your own and for the first time, I felt it was me Ee Soon Wei going up to share a piece of my life - a portion tucked so deep in the trunks of my heart that only the very few may hear. I wasn't ready but I was trying.

And so I thought about it. I needed to be vulnerable and try to go with my gut feel with the character as advised by Colin. And I was thinking, how do I do that? Then it dawned on me - I needed courage. So I looked through my script again, and taking a pencil - and started writing down some major questions to my character:-

1. Do I love my father?
2. Do you have any compassion for him?
3. Do you want to love him?

I was stoked because I had been writing answers of justification, and reasoning (circular reasoning actually); trying to hide behind the true curtain of my feelings. I was scared to tap into that arena. And I really needed some courage if I plan to go further with this character.

I took the time to share with the Players before we prayed together in held hands and then after taking the stage, I knew I had to do it. I trusted them, and this ministry has been one that has shaped me in the last couple of years. The changes you see, the teachable spirit and sense of sharing that I have comes from my fellowship and learning time with FsP. There has been a sense of greater maturity as a person and a follower of Jesus Christ.I have been truly blessed. So when I decided to share, I trusted them as much as I trusted God. Honestly, it felt assuring to be able to share this 'burden' and at peace to know that they understand and would care in their very own ways. So thank you footstool players, every single one of you. You have no idea.

When Rudi made the comment about the word encouragement; by the word 'courage' being in the middle of it - it dawned on all of us, especially me in particular that I too, have never seen it that way. To encourage someone is to give courage. And those words of affirmation did just that for me.

Colin added that even though you're doing a monologue where you're solo on stage, but we are still very much supporting you from below and attentively give you our support. That was truly a sight I have never realized before. I finally understood that I was in a platform that could allow me to be vulnerable.

As much as we have been a blessing to churches and people, I felt that this production has really blessed the players as well because the theme of love really covers all and we're right in the middle of it. Many times over this season, we've seen one or the other really being stretched and to know that when you are, there's someone holding you on the left and right to say, "we're here with you".

With that framing, I went on to take the stage that night. To give only what is due to God and to allow him to work in me and fill what is lack of it. More importantly, I allowed a process of healing to take place.

My quick sharing with Ann in the car, led us to talk so greatly about God's love. That God chose to love us. Period.

You are my beloved Son, and I am fully pleased with you (Mark 1:11). God is fully pleased with me. With us. He never justified with reasons why He loves us, nor set a bounded series of conditions, and having pre-selected what if situations. He is fully pleased with you.

And that is what Crazy Little Thing Called Love is about.

Love is about courage and honesty. It takes courage to love someone, and courage to have someone love you. You open oneself to receive and serve in a way that is measured on its own accounts. I realized I lost that courage. Till now.

I have been very stretched this season. I know many of the players have been too. God has truly been working, the dynamics this year allowed us to carry and support one another - like a family. For the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love (Gal 5:6)

I am going to continue my work for the Lord in this play, in my every day, in my own personal journey with none other than courage itself. I pray the same prayer for you:

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know that this love surpasses all knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:16)

Lastly,
if you are having a tough time at work...I encourage you
if you have to wake up in the wee hours of morning to start your job...I encourage you
if you are going through family trouble and trying to make sense of it all...I encourage you
if you are working through your insecurities and issues...I encourage you
If you are having a bad time at work and fail to live up expectations...I encourage you
If you feel like people don't understand you and its tough...I encourage you
If you are the many more that is not mentioned... we (God & I) encourage you.

We need to encourage one another more than ever. *hugs* :)

::edit::

There is also a certain honesty in acting that first rang true for me over the weekend, when needing to be vunerable; there needs to be an honest portrayal - very much like our relationship with Jesus, so that He may work in us. It can be exemplified in many occassions as you personally reflect on those moments, the times when you took an honest chance/step in making things different, that moment is somewhat raw and beautiful in nature.

I echo the lyrics from David Cook's - Time of my life which fits so perfectly here, during this entire season journey that is still going on. I'm sure he has been honest with his own journey as he addresses Wal-Mart that makes it so much more genuine.

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life